i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
