thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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