The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
