I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
