Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
