kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
