flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
