I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
