based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This baby is an asshole
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
