i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
