Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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