i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
