The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
