Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
