some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
