How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
