hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
