I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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