The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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