Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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