my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
