i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
