i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
