I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize