I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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