return my video game
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
