we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
