dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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