the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
