The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
