Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
