did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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