I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
