his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
and you fell through a lawn chair
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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