He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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