Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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