My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
