my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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