her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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