I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
