What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
