dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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