im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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