He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
