I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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