im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
