I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
