Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think my fart just growled at me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
