It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
