Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
