ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
