Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
