the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize