i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
