you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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