What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
