His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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