I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
