Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
