I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am mentally ready for anal.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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