Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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